Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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