im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
All the doctor said was why
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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