Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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