I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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