I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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