Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
