well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
