i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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