capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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