it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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