My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
