So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
