And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
