I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
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I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
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One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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