Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
