you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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