I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He better not be in your backpack
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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