I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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