he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
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Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
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Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
how does that bad decision feel?
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