I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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