he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I think I sprained my soul last night
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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