I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
