Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
