I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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