so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
