I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
