He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
