nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
