I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
