soooo we both peed the bed last night...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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