I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
