I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
