just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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