dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
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