I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
