I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Holy shit dude........stairs
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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