im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I have demons in me.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
