there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
