Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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