I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
