I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
