got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
It's blow job season.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
