what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
