it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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