I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
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She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
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I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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