what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
