I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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