If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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