new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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