I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Randomize
