Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
