I just pynch a tree in the face
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me