I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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