Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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