every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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