it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
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You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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