You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
